By Hillary Volper, LCSW 

A recent New York Times article reported that young couples choosing not to have children inadvertently triggered “conscious grieving” in their parents. The article emphasizes that “our children are not us.”

As parents, we often wonder and look to see if our children are like us. Invariably we discover they are different.

Younger couples no longer feel compelled to define their status by having children, as previous generations did. 

While grandparenting can be rewarding and uplifting, it is not a perfect solution for aging or a guaranteed reward for having our own children. We soon learn that:

Children appreciate our babysitting, but we can feel taken advantage of.

Children have their own lives that don’t always include us. 

We are not a part of their nuclear family. 

This realization may lead to “conscious grieving.” Consequently, we must create lives independent of grandparenting. 

Jack Kornfield, a meditation teacher, suggests that life itself is a series of grieving. This perspective helps us understand that longings and losses are part of the human condition.

Life involves accepting what we cannot change whether we are grandparents or not and being grateful for what we have. 

Hillary Volper, LCSW, conducts individual psychotherapy both in-person and via telehealth. She has offices in New York City and in Larchmont and can be reached at 914-980-7980. Visit www.HillaryVolper.com for more information.